i was banned from linkedin

upon returning home and finally peeling my uniqlo 100% premium linen shirt off my back, i knew something was off.

i slumped onto the sofa and busted out my cmf phone 2, ready for a scroll. a scrollage. scrollage in the college, you know. anyway, a little background.

i went cold turkey on most social media (SM, this will save us both time) some years ago. full disclosure: this bad boy can still sink an hour or more into YT shorts (kai cenat clips + table tennis slop). not having SM accounts affords some extra mindspace, but other noise quickly takes it over until one feels like an unwanted guest in their own head. linkedin is the perfect manifestation of that for me. lightning round:

• most visible text on linkedin is slop of varying quality
• the entire platform looks like slop
• some days i can see the humour in it
• most days i cannot
• yet i still obsessively check
• check check check
• waiting for the light that never comes

i pondered this while my cmf phone 2 was sending pictures of me to the cia, or doing whatever it does just to avoid loading a webpage. when the cia got what they wanted, i was greeted not with “it's not about X, it's about Y and the reason will surprise you” but with this image:

i'll spare you the tirade about how the HTTP resource is labelled “checkpoint”, and the modern world's obsession with tracking our every move under the guise of counter-terrorism or preventing various kinds of abuse or whatever. a conspiracy theorist may claim their goal is unlimited power. i think we can all agree it's something much lamer: getting more users for their platform, service or subscription by doing mass-surveillance-based market research until eventually we're all on some matrix shit.

that all sounds pretty unfair and may even make you angry. but i wasn't angry. i was sad! scared, even.

putting random shit on linkedin was how i started writing like this. it felt amazing to have people in my life tell me i made them laugh. or that i was a “good writer”.

granted, it's easy to be funny on linkedin. a powerful way to be funny is to subvert expectations: saying something people least expect cuts through the mundane bs and gets someone to smile. usually, one has to master timing, context and various technicalities to succeed in the field. all that skill is completely unnecessary when the general vibe on linkedin is both boring and high-strung. it's the perfect place to deploy comedy.

and they fucking banned me!

i am a little too proud to opt into facial recognition. even if i weren't, the id issued by the russian federation isn't supported by whatever vendor linkedin contracts with for its part in the global mass-surveillance effort.

so i guess i'll try to keep this blog up. maybe one day i'll figure out how to get people to see it. i'll probably have to write something actually funny or useful or, god forbid, both. wish me luck.